Did I do something wrong... or did something simply go wrong

 

This weekend I drove over a set of railroad tracks a little too fast and a hose came loose underneath my car and started dragging on the ground. The car was drivable, if only to the repair shop. Not a disaster. Just one of those annoying things that suddenly changes your plans. 

Then an email arrived. An old work friend was in town and wanted to get together. I was delighted. I also knew I couldn't do it.

When she kindly offered to come to my apartment instead, I surprised myself. I said no. Not because I didn't want to see her. I did. I wanted to laugh with someone who knew me while I was still in my working/mother mode, leaping tall buildings with a single bound. 

But I also knew I needed to be alone. Then I remembered something else. I had promised my neighbor I would take her to the grocery store. She is so good to me, sharing wonderful home-cooked meals, and I genuinely wanted to help her and do my share. Instead, I had to tell her my car wasn't safe to drive. 

Three disappointments. A broken car. A missed visit. An important promise postponed. I soon realized I felt trembly inside. As I sat with that feeling, I found myself asking, What exactly am I feeling?

At first I thought it was guilt. Was I letting everyone down? Should I have tried harder to make everything work? Then another possibility occurred to me.

Maybe this wasn't guilt at all. Maybe it was grief or sorrow. We usually think of grief as something reserved for funerals. But maybe some smaller griefs or sorrows can quietly happen. 

The grief of the afternoon you were looking forward to. The grief of not being able to help someone you care about. The grief of a day that simply didn't turn out the way you imagined when you woke up.

That led me to another question. Did I do something wrong... or did something simply go wrong? Those are not the same.

If I did something wrong, then I should take responsibility. If I was careless or dishonest or hurt someone unnecessarily, that's guilt. Guilt asks me to make things right. 

But if something simply went wrong. If my car broke. If my plans fell apart. If life handed me three disappointments before lunch, well then, perhaps what I'm feeling isn't guilt. Perhaps it's sorrow. Perhaps it's grief. That distinction brought me peace.

I realized I wasn't a bad friend because I couldn't meet my old coworker. I wasn't a bad neighbor because my car wasn't safe to drive. I was simply a woman having a difficult day.

Retirement has been teaching me something I never learned while I was working and being a single Mom. Not every problem has to be solved immediately. Not every disappointment is a personal failure.

My problems did not disappear but something inside me changed. The trembling quieted. Not because the problems had gone away, but because I had finally stopped carrying grief or sorrow as though it were guilt. Maybe that's a question worth keeping on the back burner for all of us.

The next time life disappoints you, ask yourself:

Did I do something wrong... or did something simply go wrong?